Lessons of 'love'
by prositen
Summary: It seems Lenneth hasn't been paying attention to Lucian lately. Whom to go to for advice? Our favourite psychotic stalker, of course! warning, contains horrible crack pairing. Sorry!


Lenneth was very busy nowadays. This simple fact would have repercussions far beyond anyone's wildest dreams.

..well, perhaps not Lezard's. He had probably planned it all from the start, the creep.

x x x

"How come you are you asking _me_, of all possible people, for help?"

"Well.. you're an obsessive stalker" Lucian replied, never being one for diplomacy, "so if anyone would know the ways to her heart it oughtta be you."

Lezard preened at this, and it's anybody's guess as to whether he simply ignored the first part or took it as a compliment. "Fufufufu," he sounded. It was probably supposed to be some kind of laughter, but it sounded more like nails on a blackboard and sent shivers up Lucian's spine. "You are quite right, little boy. I do know _everything_ there is to know about the Lady Valkyrie, including" - he winked lasciviously - "all her intimate details and of course how to bring her the utmost pleasure."

Lucian looked vaguely ill, and his hand automatically and probably unconsciously sought the hilt of his sword.

"Dare you besmirch my lady Lenneths honor? You fiend!"

He would have rushed into battle then and there if Lezard hadn't been prepared for just that possibility and quickly had performed some sort of charm to hold the fighter immobilized.

"Now now, boy," the alchemist chided. "Much as I would like to say that my Lady Love has already granted me the ultimate token of her passion, she has yet to succumb to the pull of our mutual attraction. Her loss, of course, and I feel fairly confident she will rethink her position given enough time."

"..." Lucian replied intelligently.

"Will you do me the favour of closing your mouth?" Lezard looked quite displeased. "I have no mind to continue these discussions if you cannot even pretend to have the intelligence to understand what I am talking about."

Lucian did so, but not without scowling ferociously first. One must keep up appearances at all time - after all, Lezard was _evil_.

Lezard sighed. "I really do need to explain _everything_ to you, it seems. Very well, but pay attention. I _made_ her current body, you nitwit. It is, as Mysty claimed, 'accurate right down to the naughty bits' - why, she did always have a way with words, the precious little thing. I spent countless hours modelling that exquisite flesh to my liking, and there is no part of her that my fingers don't know." He looked down at said fingers and did a very rude and suggestive gesture, which brought a fierce blush onto Lucian's face.

"You sound like Claire's horrible romance novels," Lucian muttered. Not that he had read _those_, of course. They were _girly_. And he was a manly man, don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Rippling muscles, a big sword, the undying love of Lenneth Valkyrie, etc.

...only he wasn't so sure of that last part anymore, which was why he had this horribly embarrassing discussion with Lezard Valeth in the first place. Damnit.

He sighed. Better just get this over with. "I bow to your expertise in this matter," he said through gritted teeth. "now if your ego is properly satisfied, will you.. _please_ " - and this last word took considerable effort to spit out, a fact which delighted Lezard - "help me?"

Lezard appeared to consider this very seriously. He tapped a finger against his cheek thoughtfully while focusing on something not quite above Lucian's head, before suddenly exclaiming "No!"

"Huh?"

"I said 'No', which means 'I don't think I shall'. " Under his breath he added "and I would submit you to the vilest torture and then kill you in the most slow and painful way imaginable for even daring to ask this of me - if I thought I would get away with it. Ah, my love, you have softened my heart!"

"Bu.. but.. why not?" Lucian, having heard only the abrupt and brutal rejection of his request, was very confused by now.

"You imbecil! There really are no ends to your stupidity! Why_ever_ would I help out a rival with achieving a goal so dear to me? Not that I think you would stand much of a chance... " His voice trailed off, and one could just see the cogs in his brain turning while he conocted some probably horribly evil plan. He was not used to have people around while scheming, though, so his internal monologue wasn't that quiet, and Lucian managed to pick up a few words here and there from the stream of mumbling sounds.

"..hebetudinous little... ...mwaHAHAHA... inadequacy... never show his face.. fufufufu! ... test the new equipment.. indeed!"

Lucian took no heed of these warning signs, though. He was a desperate - and manly! - man in love, and he would do whatever the circumstances demanded of him. And also, he had one hell of an itch on his left foot, which really took all his concentration.

"Well," Lezard finally said out loud, right when Lucian had decided that he would remove his boot and scratch that itch, stinky feet and their effect on the negotiations be damned.

"Your eloquence and argumentative skills have me convinced," the alchemist continued. There was a tiny twitch in the corner of one eye as he said that, but this probably meant nothing. "I will aid you to the.. ehehe, very best of my - and I say this in the humblest way possible - considerable abilities, but first you must agree to do exactly what I demand of you for.. the rest of the day, let's say."

Lucian didn't pause for long before deciding, but he did feel a pang of nervousness and regret when Lezard suddenly grabbed his arm and teleported them both off to Odin-knew-where.

x x x

"You _must_ relax now, or this will become extremely painful for you," Lezard said patiently. "Notice how I started with simply one finger, and then when you became used to that I added another.. "

"Why do _I_ have to.. do _that_?" Lucian whined. He was quite out of breath now, and not entirely displeased with the happenings after the initial discomfort, but he didn't feel very _manly_ given the particulars of the situation.

"Do you really think that the Lady would allow _you_ to be on top?" Lezard grunted. "Circumstances might differ slightly since she is supplied with different parts, but I am sure that even you can improvise given this basic tutorial. Now do be quiet and let me.. ahh! finish with this. Your sniveling voice isn't exactly doing wonders for the mood here. "

"...nnn!"

"And close your mouth."

"..." Lucian glared, but acquiesced.

"No, actually," Lezard decided after a spontaneous reevaluation of the situation. "You most definitely must keep it open. There is another thing I would like to submit you to.. ahem, teach you."

"...mmmphhhh! mmmpph!"

"Theeeeere's a good boy."

x x x

"There is a very detailed book available, which outlines with precision and illustrated examples everything I have demonstrated for you so far," Lezard remarked offhandedly while wiping off the white goo covering his right hand onto a handkerchief that appeared from out of nowhere. "It is called 'Yaoi no Manual' and is extensively used all over the worlds. I will see to it that you are sent a copy."

"..." Lucian emitted silently.

"Mmmm?"

"...thanks."

x x x

"So tell me again how this is supposed to make Lenneth have time for me?" Lucian demanded. He was going for that ferocious scowl again but since he was at the moment stark naked and chained to a weird metal contraption which left him.. unusually _open_ in a most vulnerable way, he looked more silly than menacing. Especially considering the way certain bodyparts were pointing in every which way. And twitching.

"What? Did I say that?" Lezard chortled. "No, my dear boy, the task of getting her attention in the first place I will leave entirely up to you. _If_ you manage to convince her to join you in bed, however, I am certain she will.. ehm.. approve of your newly aquired.. ahem.. skills. You did take notes, I hope."

"..." Lucian's fingers twitched as he was yet again trying to automatically and subconciously grab the hilt of his sword. Which sword he was attempting to reach will be left unspecified.

"I repeatedly asked of you to keep your mouth closed unless you had something important to say..." Lezard trailed off to let Lucian think he would get away with it this time, but then commenced with an - quite literally - under-the-belt attack. "Ah! I see! You were of course aiming for a repeat performance of.."

"No, no!" Lucian's face turned white and so deep was his anguish that a single, crystalline tear trickled down his porcelain cheek. "I mean.. err.. there's no way _that_ would prove useful with her, so I don't think I need to practice any further." Under his breath he added something that sounded suspiciously like "choking.. choking bad".

"One never knows," said Lezard mysteriously, and raised an eyebrow. "But have it your way."

It was a matter of seconds before he was fully dressed again, looking as immaculate as ever. "Ah, well," he said briskly. "Playtime is over. If you'll excuse me..."

"Wait!"

"What now?"

"Aren't you gonna... set me free?"

"Ah. Right." Lezard patted his pockets but quickly realized that what he was looking for wasn't there. "I am dreadfully sorry, ah, Lucian was it? I seem to have misplaced the key."

"WHAT? Oww." The constricting chains were apparently stronger than Lucian's arms, and furthermore, he wasn't quite prepared to break the latter to escape from the former.

"Ah, but do not worry," Lezard replied with a satisfied smirk. "It seems a search party has been established - apparently your absence has been noted - and it should arrive here shortly. Well, I'd best be going."

The last thing Lezard saw before teleporting back home to his tower with one of his best maniacal laughters so far was that, well, Lucian's tower wasn't towering anymore.

What not even Lezard could have guessed even in his wildest dreams was that Lucian during that day discovered a set of new kinks he didn't know he had, and had decided that from now on Lezard was the only one who could satisfy him.

When the alchemist found out about this, not even the fact that his worst rival had relinquished his claim on the love of Lenneth could cheer him up.

x x x

Lenneth was very busy nowadays, which was probably for the best.


End file.
